Confused with her actions

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Ilan 3 years, 8 months ago.

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    Cuma eksen

    So I have been ‘dating’ this girl who is unexperienced with dating and relationships. She lives with a strict catholic family. Dating as a 19 year old female is no no no. So she likes to hang out with me, but takes her sister who is older and married with her so that her family doesn’t cause problems.

    The first date went great, but as her sister is always with us. Flirting is minimal. We make good eye contact, but she is the shy type person and always looks to the ground and back to me and then away. Sometimes she keeps eye contact for more then 5 seconds.

    She texted me after the date and told me she had a great time. She asked me when she could see me again and I told her I would love to see her, but it will be better without her sister. She then said that that was too fast for her and I gave up, because I don’t want her sister everytime with her.

    2 weeks later, she texts me telling me she missed me. She missed my cute smile and she thought a lot about me in class. She even asked when she could see me again.
    We arranged a 2nd date and again her sister was with her. It blocks me from moving things to another level and I just don’t know what to do.

    After the 2nd date she texted me again and told me I was her BFF. I really was fucking confused. I don’t want to be her best friend?

    I forgot to mention that she laughs with every joke I make. Even the most stupidest ones. I see her sister rolling her eyes when I make one. And she laughs hysterically. She will keep searching for eye contact and when our eyes meet she makes this cute smile.

    What should I do in this hard situation? Why would she call me her BFF?



    Hi Cuma eksen,

    It depends on how much of her sister coming along to these dates you can tolerate.

    You should probably try to find out from this girl about whether her sister will stop coming to these dates at a certain number of dates.

    If you find out that she will, perhaps, you can hold out until then.

    However, if there is no seeming end to her sister coming to the dates, it may not be worth it to keep talking to this girl.

    She may have called you her BFF, but that doesn’t mean that she only sees you as her best friend.

    She does like you romantically.

    After the first date, she texted you and let you know that she had a great time and wanted to know when she would see you again.

    She has made good eye contact with you even though she is shy and tends to look away relatively quickly before bringing it back.

    She laughs at every joke that you make, even the ones that you believe are stupid.

    These are all strong signs of romantic interest.

    Calling you her BFF may just be an indication of her inexperience when it comes to dating.

    Being that she has been raised in a strict catholic family, she may have been taught that she has to be able to like and trust a guy as her friend first before considering him as a romantic prospect.


    Cuma eksen

    Hello Luke,
    Thank you for your advice.
    After the first date, I had asked her if I could see her alone. She initially agreed and I was surprised. But then she panicked. She told me how we would do it. What if her brother or her parents found out? She told me that if she is too long from home, they will keep calling her and ask her where she is.

    She told me that I was moving too fast for her. I understand her, but dating like this is wayyy to slow and time consuming. I think there is a chance that eventually she will come home. But no one knows when this will be.



    Hi Cuma eksen,

    You may have to ask yourself about how long you think you can handle not being able to go out with her on a one on one basis.

    Perhaps give yourself a time limit and set your mind to that.

    If she is still unwilling to go out with you on a one on one basis by the end of that time limit, this may be your license to let this go.

    As you stated, dating is time consuming.

    You don’t want to continuously waste that precious time on someone who won’t go out with you on a one on one basis. Your energy and time can be better spent elsewhere.


    Cuma eksen

    Okay I understand and that was what I had in mind.
    What about texting? I don’t really like texting. But what do you think? Should I text her from time to time or should I let her text me.
    And if she texts me, do I keep it quick?



    If you decide to give this a time limit, then you can text her until that time limit is up. It would be best to text her often and avoid having her do all the texting.

    If you want this girl to go out with you on a one on one basis, building a stronger rapport with her over text and even phone calls would work to your benefit.

    Keeping this in mind, if she were to text you, make it a meaningful conversation that is full of substance and laughs instead of keeping it quick.

    If you can get her to trust you over time by building this kind of rapport with her, she may eventually be willing to venture out with you on a one on one basis.


    Cuma eksen

    Hey Luke,
    Thanks for your advice.
    Well we were supposed to meet up yesterday. But her sister canceled the plans and didn’t reschedule. I feel like I can’t properly date this girl.

    She texted me yesterday morning asking me what we would do, so I asked her sister and she told me she couldn’t make it.

    I knew this was going to happen, and that’s why I had proposed to grab something to eat and eat it in the car. And that I would drop her at home afterwards. Initially, she agreed but 5 minutes she changed her mind and told me it wasn’t a good idea. (I think she got scared of the idea of being caught by someone) She apologized and told me that I shouldn’t think she doesn’t want to hang out.

    I wasn’t mad at all and I didn’t even think like that. I was cool with it.
    She continued texting me that day and we were just playful and laughing. One moment when I was at the barber she asked me what I was up to and I told her I just had a fresh haircut. She told me to show her.

    I didn’t and told her that if we had hung out that she would have seen it. And maybe it is for the best, because otherwise she would fall in love.
    She laughed and told me are you crazy?
    I told her last time I checked I wasn’t ;).
    Then she told me ‘no no, that’s not going to happen.’

    Then we switched from subject. But it seems that sometimes she allows me to flirt with her and sometimes she blocks it. Is this her playing hard to get or?

    I barely text her first, she is the one that almost all the time engages the conversations..



    Hi Cuma eksen,

    In cancelling the date without rescheduling, her sister continues to be an impediment to you being able to properly date this girl.

    Again, you may have to set a time limit for this interaction and be careful that you don’t allow yourself to become so caught up in this girl that you find it impossible to disconnect, if indeed things come to that.

    It doesn’t seem that she would be the type who would even be aware that she is playing hard to get.

    Thereby, the moments that she has flirted with you and the other moments that she has blocked it may simply be reflective of her inexperience when it comes to dating and relationships.

    Being that she is very sheltered, she may worry that too much flirting will only lead to a desire to do something with you that she shouldn’t.

    This kind of caution may have been something that her parents and family members imbued in her during her upbringing.

    She may even develop a conscience that makes her believe that she is doing something that she shouldn’t be if she were to always allow herself to flirt with you.

    This may be why she has those moments where she blocks you from flirting with her.

    Again, a girl with her lack of experience may have no idea that what she is doing could be interpreted as playing hard to get.


    Cuma eksen

    Okay so a quick update. We went on a date Tuesday.
    Again with a chaperone. But this time she was more touchy and the date went great. There were moments were we would flirt and you could just feel that there was ‘love’ in the air. I’m saying this because her chaperone brought it up when we were making this intense eye contact.
    She brought this weird thing up, asking me why if she texted me I would take forever to answer. It doesn’t take forever but sometimes I’m busy. Or I just don’t feel like texting. I’m not a big fan of texting.

    Wednesday evening, she asked me if I was feeling sick. So we talked a little and I asked her out again. She agreed for a date on Sunday with chaperone again. I was cool with it.

    Untill today, I live in Belgium and we had a health safety measure announced today. All bars, dining rooms, indoor activities will be closed Untill the 3th of April. I was immediately like fuck.

    So I text her ‘damn everything is closed’.
    She responds ‘yeah, perfect timing hahahhaa’
    I say ‘so you didn’t want to come?’
    I forgot that we had lost a bet to our chaperone and that we had to pay the bill next time.
    She says ‘No, now I don’ t have to pay lol’
    I say ‘ohh, I forgot about that.’
    She says ‘hahahahhaha yeah that nice, right?’
    I say ‘yes, but we can still hangout though..’
    She says ‘Nah, I will stay home.’
    I say ‘Aight, that’s cool.’

    I immediately had the vibe of her that she was happy that it wasn’t going through. And the last thing she said confirmed it.

    But now that I’m thinking of it. Maybe she is scared of the Corona virus?

    I feel like I’m investing to much in something that is going nowhere. Every time I feel like everything is going well, it is going the opposite way. Like the chaperone was my cousin and after we dropped her off. He was like ‘bro, well done she is falling in love with you’ ‘she kept telling me how cute you were’ and I felt it too. Because she was touching me and being very flirty.

    What do you think and what should I do?



    Everything may seem like it is going well and then goes the opposite way because she does want to take her time with this interaction.

    She is not in any rush.

    She does enjoy going out on dates with you. That is why she was touchy and flirty with you on the date on Tuesday.

    However, she also knows that the chaperone is there and to an extent she may like that. She knows that with the chaperone there, things won’t get out of hand. She doesn’t want things to move too fast.

    Whenever she senses that things may be moving a bit too fast for her liking or comfort, she pulls back.

    That was why she told you that she would just stay home when you asked her if she still wanted to hang out after you found out that every possible date venue was shut down until the 3rd of April.

    It is unlikely that she was scared of the corona virus.

    She is just in no hurry when it comes to the dates. As long as she is able to text you, she is quite happy with that. To some extent, she may even prefer texting over going out on dates with you.

    This may be partly the reason why she asked you about why you take forever to answer her texts.


    Cuma eksen

    So do I just cut contact or let her come to me at her own pace?


    Cuma eksen

    I noticed that if I reach out to her, she is cold. When she reaches out, she isn’t.

    That’s why I barely reach out.


    Cuma eksen

    But I don’t really like texting and she told me she understood that.



    Letting her come to you at her own pace could mean an indefinite amount of time waiting.

    If you want to speed things up with her, it may be best to cut contact.

    If she cares enough about the interaction, this could force her to get out of her comfort zone and try seeing you on a one on one basis.

    She may be cold when you reach out to her because she is being guarded.

    She may be partly worried that you are only reaching out so as to ask her out and she may not welcome this given the protectiveness of her household.

    She may not be cold when she reaches out to you because the side of her that just wants your attention may be the most prevalent emotion she is experiencing at that moment.

    That emotion may trump her anxiety that you may use this opportunity to try asking her out or asking her to hang out.


    Cuma eksen

    Hey Luke,
    Hope you are safe and well.

    So after I wrote the last comments, the next day she texted me. Told me she wanted to see me.

    I picked her up today (alone) and she lied to her parents and told them she was going by bus to her sister. Her sister is married to my cousin. So I picked her up and we drove to a parking lot and had some nice talk and then we went to her sister and had some food there.

    While there, she asks me if we can go for a ride. And I take her. I feel her being touchy again, but I just can’t seem to find a moment to kiss her. I don’t know it’s just so hard and I don’t want to scare her off. It would be her first kiss and in the car it is very hard to just go for the kiss.

    Do you have any ways to escalate for a kiss?



    If you are feeling it, just go for the kiss. She is probably waiting for it. If you keep overthinking it, you will always find an excuse not to do it.


    Cuma eksen

    Okay so I finally tried it and I got rejected.

    She texted me today that she wanted to hang out. We hung out and I went for the kiss and she rejected me.

    She told me that she really likes me but something blocks her to go to another level. We all know that it means that she is not interested in me romantically. I told her that I’m not interested in being friends and that I would walk away and never look back.

    She started having tears in her eyes and asked me if we still were going to hang out.And I told her no, I have enough friends to hang out.

    She told me that she is really confused and that she knows she is making a big mistake by letting me go. I was like well it’s up to you. Let me know if she would change her mind.

    I dropped her off and immediately she texted me something irrelevant, I just answered and then let it be.

    This girl has been not only sending mixed signals for the past months but she ended up friend zoning me.

    Now I wonder was she actually playing me, but yeah life goes on and it is actually her loss. Thanks for your advice BTW!



    You are welcome.

    This is why it is always good to make your move sooner rather than later.

    However, you did eventually make your move and kudos to you.

    It’s alright.

    At least, you have saved yourself from going on for months, giving her the attention that she enjoys, only to ultimately reach the same result.


    Cuma eksen

    Was I too harsh? My cousin (her brother in law) told me I was being to harsh for her. I shouldn’t cut contact with her. (she told him this)

    But I know what I want and I think I stood up for myself. This was the right thing to do. I left the door open for her by saying to let me know if she changed her mind.


    Cuma eksen

    I think her romantic interested dropped for me because I didn’t make the move earlier. She was ready to be kissed at some moments, but I didn’t make the move because there was always someone chaperoning us.



    The chaperoning definitely didn’t help matters.

    Indeed, making your move earlier may have led to a different result but it really isn’t beneficial to dwell on that.

    You weren’t too harsh.

    Yes, you did stand up for yourself and that was what you had to do.

    You know what you want.

    There is no point in putting out the effort to court someone while bearing the inconveniences of having a chaperone tag along, if the person in question doesn’t share the same romantic interest.

    You aren’t looking for friendship after all.

    You have left the door open to her, if she were to change her mind.

    As of now, your task is to move forward.


    Cuma eksen

    I’m not really hung up with this girl.
    But I’m someone that wants to learn from his mistakes.

    She had done this already last time as I mentioned in the first post. I told her I was not interested in being friends and after 2 weeks of no contact. She messaged me asked to hang out and that she missed me. I should have not accepted to hang out with the chaperone at that time.

    I have a feeling there is a possibility that she will come back. Don’t you think? Because she told me when we parted that she will regret letting me go. She told me she never felt the connection she had with me before with anyone else. Or was she just being nice to not hurt my feelings?
    And if so, should I just tell her that I don’t want to hang out if she is planning to bring a chaperone to the date.



    You are still caught up on a girl who strung you along.

    It is best to let this go and move on.

    If she truly likes you, she knows where to find you and what she has to do.



    Dang dude she really wasted your time, hopefully everything goes well with your future relationships also your situation I think you made all the right moves and Luke you are like a genius.

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