October 3, 2019 at 6:13 am #37380
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I like your logic and advice; I like things explained in a straight forward manner – just the way they are. Simple solutions are the way forward, right?! 🙂
However, I found myself in a situation and would love you to provide me with your opinion/view on the situation.
In June 2018, “the love of my life” broke up with me. 3 years together, living together, doing everything together. I was so in love with the guy, and believed he was my true soulmate, and was pretty sure we would just go through life together. I gave him/the relationship my all.
At the end of university, he said he needs time to figure himself out without a girlfriend. He was dealing with his childhood trauma, depression, anxiety. Although, he always seemed fine, never like he needed help, it turned out this wasn’t the case. He told me he loves me but doesn’t have the romantic love for me. It was a bit of surprise. He felt lost…
Since the break up, I’ve been doing all kind of studying on the topic for the past year; depression, relationships, differences between men and women, etc. I’ve learned A LOT about me, life, relationships in general, and what I should/shouldn’t have done whilst with him.
For the entire year, I couldn’t look at anyone in that way. All I kept thinking about was him all the time. It was a very tough time for me. I made it extremely difficult on myself, I can be stubborn and because I convinced myself “he’s the one” I was fighting against my own mind. Anyway!
In the recent two months, I finally started getting somewhere, I took on lots of work and activities to keep me busy, I met people, and learned/explored what else there is in life.
I started doing some on and off extra work on set. There, I saw a guy, I thought “he’s nice”, but that was it. I wasn’t bothered, relationships/boys is the last thing I need/want right now.
After a two week break, I went back on set and happened to be in the area where the “nice new guy” usually works (he’s in a different department, so it’s rare we see each other). We had a little chit chat, and the moment I looked into his eyes, it hit me, hard! I never got lost in anyone’s eyes like this before. I had to go again but when walking away I felt him looking at me.
At that moment, I was just glad, very happy, for allowing myself to see someone in that way again, that’s it.
I wasn’t on set again for some time, the first day back, we bumped into each other “Hello again! How are you?” he said. I was like, “oh my god, he chats to me” we chatted a little about what he’s doing. He said if I was interested we could work together in his department “just give us a call”. I jumped right in and said “How do I give you a call if I don’t have your number?”. He almost reached to his pocket and in that exact moment I was needed again! I was grabbed by my supervisor and asked to go, and didn’t even say “talk later!”. Nooooo!
From that day, I was crazy about him.
A friend has found out his full name for me, so I could find him online. (I know, very childish to get people involved. However, it’s complicated on set, very difficult to get to him.) Then, two different people said that he’s taken.
At lunch, he stuck his tongue out at me, and started a chit chat again. Then, he was sat at a table next to me, with a girl who he potentially is in a relationship with, and another guy. After, they finished eating, he let them go and came up to me to chat again.. and left.
I wasn’t meant to be back on set again, so despite that I found out that he’s taken, considering his playfulness, I thought I’d give him my number to see what happens.. but I never saw him again.
I’m moving out of town now for a little bit to go travelling. I went back on set one more time before the move. I was a little concerned and hopeful at the same time, I was sure the news that I fancy him got to him. It blew out and half of the people knew that I like him. We haven’t seen each other for the entire day until the very last minute. He was walking down the stairs and saw me sat at table with my co-workers. He kept looking at me, smiling, and said “Hi, how are you?” whilst carrying his stuff away. Again, he was busy and couldn’t stop to talk. And I regret not running up to him to say “it was nice meeting you, but it’s my last day on set…”.
I found out he’s 10years older than me, has a child, he’s not with the mother of the child, but in a relationship. It is too much to get involved with, isn’t it? I don’t want to be that girl. But do you think he’s jut nice to me, and not trying to be flirty, or there might be something? He never chats to anyone else I’m with, he comes up and chats to me.
What’s more, the moment I fell for that guy, my ex got in touch. He wanted to cutch up, he came down to see me and stayed for 3 days. He came to see me in a play, we went to cinema, he was feeding me ice cream, cake, gave me a piggy-back, just like we used to do?! But for the first time, I was not that bothered about him – meaning, I wasn’t trying to “make it work”. I made progress in my emotions and feelings! But, at the same time, I found myself having some sexual thoughts about him too.
I figured, I want to go and explore life on my own to clear my mind a little more. This is why i’m going travelling. However, this whole situation is now bugging me. Do you think I should just forget about both guys?
I’m wanting to go back on set again next year to see how the new interested of mine is doing, but maybe it’s silly. What do you think about all of this?
Any opinion would be hugely appreciated.
Keep being awesome,
All the best,
Aggie.October 3, 2019 at 10:15 am #37381
This nice new guy on set that you have fallen for is most likely just being nice to you.
The 10 year age difference may not necessarily be a problem if the both of you just don’t care about that.
However, if he has a child and is also in a relationship, that does create a totally different dynamic from what you are used to.
Yes, this may be too much to get involved with.
All of that notwithstanding, there’s a good chance that he has been acting nice towards you simply because he is trying to make a work friend.
He has come to your table, apparently with the person that he is in a romantic relationship with.
If he was actually interested in you romantically, he would not do that.
He would want to talk to you on more of a one on one basis.
Even though he tends to talk to you and nobody else as far as when you are with other people, it is most likely simply because he feels more comfortable talking to you than most people.
Again, he may be looking for a work friend.
People do this all the time at work.
They may not necessarily like most of the people that they work with.
As a result, they try to find a handful of people that they feel that they can get along with and try to befriend them.
It seems as though you are a person that he was trying to befriend so as to have a good work buddy.
Even though he stuck his tongue out at you that one time and you felt lost in his eyes when you first saw him, there is really nothing there to indicate that he was liking you in the same way or that he stuck his tongue out at you because he was flirting with you.
He may have simply stuck his tongue out at you because he was being playful.
Being playful with someone that he felt could become a work buddy.
His intention to make you his work buddy may be why he suggested working together in his department.
However, since you gave him your number, he has not used it.
He has not called or texted you.
If he was truly romantically interested in you, he would’ve taken advantage of the fact that you gave him your number and he would have contacted you very soon after receiving it.
Now that your ex has come back into your life, you have a big decision to make.
It took you a while to move forward from your ex emotionally and open yourself up to the possibility of dating someone else.
That is a lot of progress.
Over the course of the last year or so since the breakup, you don’t really know what your ex has been doing as far as his depression, childhood trauma and anxiety is concerned.
You don’t really know if he put in any work towards overcoming those issues and if he did, how much progress he has made.
If he hasn’t done any work on himself, then he is still essentially the same guy that he was when he broke up with you.
In other words, he is still dealing with those emotional issues.
So, if you were to decide to get back with him, things may be fine for a little while, but eventually, the problems will come up again and he may end up breaking your heart all over again.
Unless you are truly able to determine that he has put in the work on himself and overcome his depression, childhood trauma and anxiety, which in only just over a year since the breakup he most likely hasn’t, it would not be wise to even consider getting back with him.
At this time, yes, you should forget about both guys.
The guy that you have met on set is most likely not romantically interested in you and is only looking to have a work friend.
And, your ex has most likely come back into your life because he misses you, but at the same time, there is a strong likelihood that he hasn’t put in the work necessary to improve himself and overcome his emotional issues.
Just over a year or so since the breakup is just not enough time to do all that work, especially being that so much of his emotional issues are rooted in his childhood.
Exploring life on your own right now by traveling is a great idea.
As you stated, it would be a good idea to clear your mind a little more.
This will even possibly help you strengthen your sense of self-worth and give you a better idea of where you want your life to go.
It may not be a good idea to go back on set next year in order to see how your new interest is doing.
Having this kind of mentality may keep you stuck in the past when you should actually be moving forward.
It is best to just keep your mind open, go on this traveling adventure and let life happen.
You’re in a much healthier place today both mentally and emotionally than you were after the breakup about a year or so ago.
It is best to continue that momentum, instead of going backward.