Should I be the one to pay for a date with a guy that I met on a dating app, considering I was the one who planned it?

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Luke 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #62074

    Marianne
    Participant

    I am a 29 year old female who matched with a 26 year old guy on Bumble a few weeks ago. I use bumble because I don’t feel uncomfortable initiating contact with guys that I am interested in and asking them out. The guy I matched with seems to be a little passive when it comes to suggesting activities that we should do, and this isn’t a problem to me.

    We conversed about how the weekend went and then he suggested joining me the following weekend for whatever activity I had planned. I thought this was a nice suggestion. We’re both new in town and come from different states which only makes us that much more eager to explore the new area that we live in. I’m the one who comes up with the date ideas.

    Because we’re going to try out some well-known restaurants and touristy locations in our new town, I figured these activities will cost a significant amount of money. That led me to question whether I should pay for these activities, since I am the one who is taking the initiative with planning them. In that he’s 3 years younger than me, I feel like it would be unfair to make the younger person pay? Don’t you think?

    The issue is that, although I have a good job, I’m still in debt due to my university studies and I don’t know if I could keep paying for dates if we were to continue seeing each other.

    I really need some help on how to deal with this?

    #62076

    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi Marianne,

    You shouldn’t put it upon yourself to take all the initiative when it comes to planning dates. It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel uncomfortable with initiating contact with guys and asking them out.

    Any guy, whether you meet him on a dating app, such as Bumble, or in real life, needs to appreciate your value from the very beginning. A way for him to see and respect your value is in how the both of you go about meeting each other for that first time.

    He needs to contribute to this process. Guys get lazy when the girl does all the work in planning dates. They just come along for the ride. You need to make sure that there is a healthy balance when it comes to the responsibility of planning dates.

    It isn’t a good idea to start this with you paying for dates. The both of you may be new to the town but that doesn’t mean that you should start with going to well-known restaurants and tourist locations. You don’t even know whether you will have any chemistry with this guy first.

    It doesn’t matter how good the chemistry was between the both of you on Bumble. Real life chemistry is a different story. Start with something small. Meet for coffee first. This helps you establish whether there is true chemistry between you. It also lets you see whether he actually looks like his dating profile photos.

    Yes, there are many incidents where two people off a dating app meet in real life only to be disappointed that one or both parties misrepresented how they truly look in present day in their dating profile photos.

    Give him a chance to pay for the coffee date. Although he is 3 years younger than you at 26 years of age, I am pretty sure he can afford to pay for a cup of coffee.

    If he doesn’t, you should strongly reconsider whether it would be wise to continue talking to him. Guys often give you a preview of just how selfish of a boyfriend they would be when they don’t pay for a cheap coffee date.

    So, let’s hope he pays for the coffee date.

    After the coffee date, if you both feel that the chemistry was there and would like to see each other again, tell him that since the both of you are new in town, you can both do an exercise.

    You should both do some research independently and gather a list of some of the touristy locations that you would each like to visit. Then, you will both alternate weeks to venture to a touristy location that is on each of your lists.

    This is a good way for the both of you to alternate expense. On a weekend that you both go to a touristy location that is on his list, he pays. On a weekend that you both go to a touristy location that is on your list, you pay. This way, you are both sharing the cost and effort to make these touristy location activities happen.

    In terms of going to the well-known restaurants, you can use the exact same approach. You both do your own individual research and gather a list of the restaurants in this new town that you would like to eat at. Then you alternate.

    This is how you both share the load of both expenditure and coming up with restaurants to go to.

    Never take on the entire burden of planning and paying for dates when you are getting to know a guy. When there is equal expenditure and effort by both parties, you have the better chance of the guy taking you seriously.

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