Why does he keep pursuing me after making it clear that he doesn't want to date?

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Luke 4 days, 15 hours ago.

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  • #41349 Reply

    Nadia
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    So he’s my senior in college and is a very outgoing and popular guy and according to some of his classmates he’s a flirt. We flirted the first time we talked in the library and we both showed interest in each other. A few weeks later, he told our mutual friend that he wants to be friends with me and then he told his whole class about me and everyone started teasing us whenever we were around each other. He showed a lot of interest in me for a month but couldn’t approach me to talk and seemed very nervous & shy around me. After I didn’t make any moves due to shyness, I heard that he had started flirting with another girl who’s in a different class. I asked our mutual friend to talk to him about our situation and he told her that he just wants to be friends with me and doesn’t want anything more. When she asked him to talk to me he said that he doesn’t know what to say to me or how to talk to me. I started ignoring him after this because my guy friend told me he’s just a flirt. He still continued to stare at me and when semester was about to end, he started showing interest in me again and even used this girl to make me jealous. I still didn’t talk to him and kept ignoring him. After college reopened 1.5 months later, he began chasing me very persistently. This has been going on for over a month and he’s about to graduate in 2 months. He keeps staring at me all the time, finds excuses to be near me when he is alone, talks to his friends about me and they tease him whenever I’m around him. They also point me out whenever I come around. He also gets visibly nervous and shy around me and quickly looks away whenever I catch him staring at me. I also heard from my mutual friend that there was nothing going on between him & that girl & that she was the one who was interested in him. He has even stopped talking to her. Also, this girl never recognised me before but now suddenly she keeps glaring at me & whispering to her friends and pointing me out whenever she sees me.

    I don’t know what to do. It clearly seems like he really really wants me to talk to him but my guy friend keeps telling me not to. I do have feelings for him but I’m confused about what to do.

    #41357 Reply

    Luke
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    Hi Nadia,

    He keeps pursuing you after making it clear that he doesn’t want to date because he wants your attention.

    His interest in you only renewed after you started ignoring him not so long after he told a mutual friend that he just wants to be friends with you and nothing more.

    He misses the attention that he used to get from you.

    If you were to give in and start communicating with him again, he will most likely enjoy the attention for a little while until the effect wears off.

    At that point, he may start talking to some other girl. He has done this in the past.

    Thereby, the cycle of this kind of behavior would just continue.

    Unless he comes right out and asks you out on a proper date, it may be best to keep ignoring him.

    #41361 Reply

    Nadia
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    But here’s the thing, I haven’t been giving him any kind of attention since he started talking to that other girl (which was like 5 months ago). I’ve just been ignoring him since then. His interest in me renewed when our semester was about to end and we were going to have a 2 month vacation where we wouldn’t see each other. Ever since college reopened last month, he’s been chasing me very persistently even though I keep ignoring him.

    Do you think he’s some kind of player? If so, why does he get so nervous and shy around just me? He clearly wants to talk to me and has been trying for months but he just isn’t able to and he could’ve easily got what he wanted by now by talking to me. Several times my friends have noticed that he wants to approach me but then he gets visibly nervous and backs out.

    I also don’t understand why he’s putting in so much effort into me when he’s about to graduate in 2 months and won’t see me again. He could easily try with some other girl who would actually give him something in return and not keep ignoring him.

    #41362 Reply

    Luke
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    If the time that your semester was about to end coincided with when he stopped talking to the other girl, that may explain his renewed interest.

    He now knew that this other girl was unable to give him the kind of emotional boost that he would normally get whenever he was around you.

    Since he has shown an ability to talk to other girls and is called a flirt by his classmates, he may have some player mannerisms or attributes. However, he doesn’t seem to be an all out player.

    An all out player wouldn’t get as shy, nervous and incapable of talking as he does whenever he is around you.

    He may be the type that finds it easier to talk to just about anyone with ease, unless it is someone that he either has feelings for or has complicated feelings for.

    In your case, it may be more so complicated feelings than regular ones. Those complicated feelings may be defined by a side of him that would like to talk to you sincerely and another side that just craves your attention.

    He may frequently flirt with the idea of talking to you.

    However, there may be a certain level of vulnerability that he is worried about experiencing if he were to make a move to talk to you.

    He may be putting out this kind of effort on you even though he graduates in 2 months because he is the type who gets even more motivated by a deadline.

    If he is able to get the attention that he seeks from you before graduation, he wins.

    Though he knows that this attention will be short-lived, it is still worth it to him. It gives him the kind of emotional boost he needs without having to take a chance on talking to you to get it.

    Trying with some other girl who would actually give him something in return would pale in comparison to getting your attention.

    That would be too easy for him and he wouldn’t experience the kind of emotional boost that someone who was more of a challenge would provide.

    #41379 Reply

    Nadia
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    No, he hadn’t stopped talking to that other girl when semester was about to end (when he got interested in me again). In fact, I even felt like he had tried to use her to make me jealous a few times and it seemed like he was desperate to talk to me. So he’s been consistently showing interest in me since that time but then shortly afterwards our exams started and then vacation began so we didn’t see each other.

    You keep saying that he gets an emotional boost whenever he’s around me, what does that mean exactly? If all he wants is attention from me then even that girl was giving it to him wasn’t she? She was obviously interested in him that’s why she’s so jealous of me and keeps gossiping about me these days.

    You said in your previous post that I should just keep ignoring him until he steps up and asks me out but seeing as how he gets so nervous and shy around me I don’t think he will ever be able to do that. I do have feelings for him and I will miss him once he’s gone but I don’t know what I can possibly do in this situation.

    #41380 Reply

    Luke
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    If he hadn’t stopped talking to the girl when he became interested in you again, he was most likely not getting what he needed out of her.

    Thereby, whatever attention he was getting from her wasn’t giving him the emotional boost that he needed.

    Given that he was showing you a lot of interest at the same time, this girl was most likely just a filler.

    It isn’t surprising that she would be interested in him given his nature.

    She may have truly believed that something more would come out of the interaction.

    However, he probably always knew that she would not be enough of an emotional boost. He needed something more. He needed the kind of emotional boost that only you could provide when giving him attention.

    If you believe that ignoring him will not encourage him to step up and ask you out, then you may have to consider stepping up and talking to him.

    If your feelings for him are this strong and you already know that he is soon to graduate and you will probably never see him again, you may not have all that much to lose in taking a chance on talking to him again.

    As long as you are okay with the strong likelihood that he would only want to engage in playful and flirtatious conversation with you and nothing more.

    Thereby, it’s important that if you do choose to talk to him that you keep your expectations of romance with him tempered.

    He told your mutual friend that he just wants to be friends and he still means it.

    He may flirt with the idea of dating you from time to time, but so far, that impulse has never been strong enough to force him to act on it.

    #41432 Reply

    Nadia
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    I won’t talk to him then because I would only develop stronger feelings for him I guess and I’ll have expectations of something more and when I won’t get what I want I’ll only be hurt even more.

    Do you think ignoring him will make him step up? Also, would things be different if he was the one to approach me?

    I also forgot to mention about his relationship status. Our mutual friend (who’s his classmate) told me that he was in a serious relationship until last year but now she doesn’t know what’s his relationship status. However, when we were all hanging out once, his friend deliberately made it known to me that he broke up with his girlfriend and he didn’t say anything in response to that. 

    After hearing that he just wants to be friends with me (after flirting with me and telling all his friends how hot I am) my guy friend said that he wants to be friends with benefits most likely because he’s clearly very attracted to me.

    Also, even if he does think about dating me sometimes, how do you think he would act upon it considering he’s not able to talk to me in the first place?

    You said that I make him feel a certain way, that other girls are not able to, does that mean anything? I don’t know if I actually have strong feelings for him or it’s just an infatuation. My best friend thinks it’s the latter. I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way about him even though we barely know each other.

    He has shown some red flags and he’s definitely not the kind of person I’m usually attracted to (he smokes, does drugs and drinks).

     

    #41433 Reply

    Nadia
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    His behaviour also seems kind of obsessive and stalkerish with me these days but he gets even more shy and nervous around me now.

    #41434 Reply

    Soniya Fox
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    If he does drugs, stay away and forget about him.

    #41443 Reply

    Luke
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    Ignoring him may or may not make him step up. The likelihood of him stepping up may depend on just how much of an emotional boost he requires.

    If he is able to get by, he may not step up. But, if he finds that he is obsessing over you, he may feel the need to step up because merely staring at you is simply not enough of an emotional boost to him.

    Things wouldn’t necessarily be different if he was the one to approach you. He would be just as unsure of himself, as in his feelings, if he were to approach you as he would be if you were the one who approached him.

    He really doesn’t get that far in his mind when it comes to how he would go about dating you given that he doesn’t even talk to you in the first place. He skips the talking part in his mind and just imagines being with you.

    Again, this is something that he may conjure up from time to time. It has never been intense enough to inspire or compel him to step up and talk to you.

    If he was in a serious relationship that ended last year, that breakup could be contributing to the chaotic manner in which his emotions govern him.

    There may still be a part of him that misses certain elements of that relationship.

    In terms of what your friend said about him wanting to be friends with benefits, he may indeed fantasize about being with you intimately from time to time.

    However, it is unlikely that he would want to be friends with benefits. He may worry that a relationship like that would only lead to further chaos in terms of his own emotions.

    Making him feel a way that other girl’s don’t can mean something in the sense that, if he was looking to date someone, you may be at the top of his list.

    However, even with this kind of priority, he simply lacks motivation to do anything about it. This is often due to a lack of emotional investment and fear.

    He would much rather experience a boost to his energy than give much of any of his in return. Giving his energy back in return would only cause him to worry about how that can further complicate his own emotions.

    Figuring out if you have strong feelings for him or just infatuation will help to give you clarity. In your particular case, it may be a healthy combination of the two.

    You may feel this way about him even though he is not the kind of guy that you are normally attracted to because of just that, he is not the kind of guy that you typically date.

    This could be a case of an opposite causing attraction. You want to unravel the mystery behind this strangely shy, yet popular guy. The deeper you dig into trying to figure him out, the more emotionally invested you become.

    This is often what leads to you developing feelings for him.

    If he has become obsessive and stalkerish in his behavior, he may be getting more desperate to figure himself and this situation out before he has to graduate.

    By being more shy and nervous around you, he may be indicating that despite the temptation to talk to you, his complicated emotions just keep getting in the way.

    #41676 Reply

    Nadia
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    I actually have this doubt (along with my best friend) that he may still be in the relationship that he was in last year or hasn’t broken up with her and is still involved with her. My best friend found out it odd that while we were all laughing and joking around, his friend (out of the blue) let me know that he has broken up with his girlfriend. But then our mutual friend commented on that later and said that she doesn’t know if that is true or not and she doesn’t know what’s his relationship status right now. He may or may not have broken up with her.

    I think he could be hiding his girlfriend and letting everyone think that he’s single so that he can enjoy the attention from other girls and cheat around. That could possibly explain why he initially told our mutual friend that he just wants to be friends. That may also explain his complicated emotions and lack of motivation.

    The only loophole here is that since our mutual friend is his classmate and often hangs out with him and his friends, she would’ve found out by now that he’s hiding his girlfriend, right? Someone would’ve let it slip by now, isn’t it?

    Well either way I’m not going to make a move on him.

    #41677 Reply

    Nadia
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    Yesterday, he was laughing and joking loudly with his friends in the hallway but when I passed by his group, he suddenly went compeletely quiet and neither him nor his friends spoke as long as I was around.

    My friend said that while I was doing the work I was there for, he was talking to his friends quietly and they were all looking at me. When I left, they were all normal again and were having fun.

    #41737 Reply

    Luke
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    If he is still with his girlfriend, there is a good chance that your mutual friend would have found that out by now.

    Being that she often hangs out with him and his friends, that bit of information would have most likely come out by now.

    It would be difficult for every single one of his friends to stay quiet about that.

    At some point, someone would have said something in reference to that, if not deliberately, then by accident.

    So yes, someone would have let it slip by now.

    If they all got quiet when you passed his group in the hallway, there is a good chance that his friends are all aware of his complicated emotions towards you, at least to a degree.

    If he is the leader of the group, they are going to follow his lead when he gets quiet and do the same.

    #41914 Reply

    Nadia
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    Yeah it makes sense that my friend would’ve found out by now but I don’t know why I still keep thinking that he’s still involved with her. Sometimes I feel like there’s something holding him back whenever he shows interest in me.

    He is the leader of the group like I said he’s very popular. On what you said earlier that this maybe a case of an opposite causing attraction, I agree with that. Along with trying to figure out his strange behaviour with me, I feel like I’m also attracted to the bad boy image that he has. He is considered to be very cool and his whole group too. The things he does (smoking, drugs, drinking etc.) are a complete no no in my book but in his case I just don’t mind anything. Even my best friend doesn’t understand it, he already told me to stay away from him several times.

    #41916 Reply

    Nadia
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    Thank you so much for all the help and advice! You’ve helped me so much. I LOVE the work you do on YouTube as well. Your videos are pure genius and cover every possible topic. I think you are the best dating/relationship expert out there and your videos are just SO helpful.

    I’ll update you on whatever happens.

    #41917 Reply

    Luke
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    He is a leader, popular, cool and a bad boy. All very attractive qualities that can be incredibly irresistible and appealing.

    It’s unsurprising that you would feel this kind of attraction towards him, despite the fact that he has habits in smoking, drugs and drinking that you would normally despise.

    You may keep thinking that he is still involved with his ex girlfriend because that would make it easier for you to understand why he keeps holding back when it comes to his interest in you.

    You’ve probably never encountered a guy who shows this much interest and yet, is unable to talk to you.

    Perhaps, you could try having some of your friends tag along with you into the hallway when you know that he will be around with his group.

    Have your friends engage in conversation with him and his group of friends.

    This kind of social setting may embolden him to talk to you through using the entire group as his cover.

    In essence, he could ask a general question and go from one friend to the next getting his answer until he arrives on you.

    This may be a way to get him to finally talk to you, albeit in a group setting.

    If you use this group strategy a few times, he may ultimately reach the point where he feels comfortable enough to start initiating one on one conversations with you.

    Thank you for your kind words in relation to my videos and advice. By all means keep me updated on your progress.

    All the best.

    #41954 Reply

    Nadia
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    Actually I’ve had this problem once before during my bachelor’s course. There was this guy whom I had a crush on who started showing interest in me too but since we were in different classes we had never talked to each other. 

    He was also an outgoing guy but he stared at me for months and never approached me. He had also told all his friends about me and they used to tease him whenever I was around. The situation was very similar to this one. I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. Any time I show interest in a guy, he just can’t approach me even generally I never get approached or asked out although a lot of guys show interest in me and find me attractive. All they do is stare at me.

    I’ve only been seriously interested in these 2 guys and both the guys kept acting shy and nervous around me and nothing happened. It doesn’t help that I’m also shy when it comes to interacting with guys I’m interested in.

    What you’ve suggested is something that has happened once before in the library. Our mutual friend had called him over to sit with us (she was hoping that he would talk to me) and his friends also came over then.

    So when he was talking to the mutual friend, I tried to join in on the conversation, but he immediately stopped talking then (even though he was the topic of the conversation) & just kept staring at me & then started fiddling with phone & didn’t make eye contact with me. His friends also joined in on the conversation & were teasing him about me but during the whole time he just kept stealing glances at me and didn’t say anything to me.

    Yeah it will take a few tries to finally make him comfortable but I actually don’t know if this whole thing would be possible considering we have different time tables.

    My best friend had actually suggested that he would talk to him about me (they greet each other every day) and try to make him comfortable or even ask our mutual friend to talk to him again about me. But I wasn’t sure about this.

    #41955 Reply

    Luke
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    Perhaps, being that you are shy, you may not be demonstrating the kind of body language that would make these guys who find you attractive feel comfortable or confident enough to approach you or ask you out.

    For future reference, you could look into making positive changes in your body language and see if that makes a difference.

    Having your best friend or the mutual friend talk to him will probably only make him feel that much more uncomfortable or intimidated to talk to you.

    He may feel like the pressure is on and that expectations are now at a heightened state.

    Your better option at the moment may be to use the group of friends strategy and hope that he ultimately gets comfortable enough within the group to start talking to you.

    The different time tables will be a challenge but you may not need that many interactions between both groups to have the desired effect of getting him comfortable enough to talk to you.

    #41980 Reply

    Nadia
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    Yeah I realise that my body language can be very negative (due to shyness) but that happens only when I’m around guys I’m interested in. I mean otherwise I’m a very outgoing and jovial person but even then guys don’t approach me/ask me out they just keep staring.

    I also agree that it wouldn’t be a good idea for my best friend or mutual friend to talk to him. She has already talked to him once before about me and she told me later that maybe he was too shy to express his interest in me and that’s why he said he just wants to be friends because she kind of put him on the spot and asked him straight away if he wants a relationship with me and told him to approach me and talk to me if he’s interested in me. I didn’t listen to her though & I took what he said about being friends seriously.

    Well anyway our college abruptly closed a week ago due to the Coronavirus scare after we saw each other in the hallway that day. I don’t know when I’ll see him again.

    #41981 Reply

    Luke
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    You can be very outgoing and jovial but if you don’t make eye contact with guys and smile, many won’t approach you.

    Most guys overthink.

    They worry about rejection immensely.

    As a result, most of them require strong signs of interest in order for them to even think of taking a chance on approaching a girl.

    Something else you could do is look to your girlfriends.

    If you have girlfriends that tend to get approached by guys, it may be to your benefit to ask them about what they do or even emulate some of their body language, if it fits your personality.

    There may be something that is missing in how these guys read your body language that they need in order to approach you.

    Your mutual friend may have indeed put him on the spot when she asked him if he wanted a relationship with you.

    Instead of giving him a pep talk, she may have actually dissuaded him from making any moves on you.

    That being said, she could have been an opportunity for him to connect with you as the middle person and he didn’t take advantage of that.

    Thereby, in that instance, it may have been a combination of being put on the spot as well as not having a strong enough desire to take advantage of the fact that your mutual friend could have been used as a way to connect with you.

    Your college closing due to the coronavirus scare was bound to happen.

    Perhaps this time away will help him get more clear on his emotions and enable him to develop a plan of action to approach you when college reopens.

    One can only hope.

    #41997 Reply

    Nadia
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    This whole talk happened long ago like more than a month after we met when he had just started talking to that other girl who had given him his number. Before this, he had been showing a lot of interest in me but I just didn’t reciprocate because I was too shy.

    He did discuss me with the mutual friend a few times like ask about me, personal things etc. and it was him who made the first move and told her that he wants to be friends with me like less than 2 weeks after we met.

    I agree that he could’ve used her to get closer to me and I often wondered why he didn’t do that.

    His behaviour is so strange that a couple of times he’s seen me hanging out with her and my best friend and when she talks to him at that time, he prefers to keep a distance and talk and doesn’t come and join us just because of me. He doesn’t even greet my best friend when he’s with me even though they otherwise greet each other every other day.

    #41999 Reply

    Nadia
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    I definitely never smile at guys and now that I think about it, I sometimes have this bored and serious look on my face when I’m out and about. I also don’t make eye contact with just about everyone who is around. Like people who don’t know me sometimes think I’m arrogant. I’m not sure but I think guys find me intimidating.

    #42000 Reply

    Luke
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    Perhaps if you would have reciprocated when he was showing a lot of interest in you, the both of you could be dating right now.

    You didn’t reciprocate because you are shy. However, to him, he may have actually taken that as a form of rejection.

    Most guys, even the popular ones, take rejection quite personally. This may be why he has been unable to talk to you ever since.

    He kept his distance when you were hanging out with your mutual friend and best friend, even when your mutual friend was talking to him.

    There may be a sense of failure that arises in him whenever he sees you that often gives way to a feeling of intimidation.

    As far as your body language with guys in general, you are right in that they can find your lack of eye contact or smiling as a source of intimidation.

    Add the fact that you sometimes have a bored and serious look on your face and that is a recipe for most guys to keep away from you.

    Your uninviting body language is the issue. It’s the reason why guys don’t approach you.

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Reply To: Why does he keep pursuing me after making it clear that he doesn't want to date?
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